Where does one even begin with something like this?
In September, after returning from her trip to Australia and our two-week vacation in Tasmania, we spent what seemed like most of our time shuttling between doctor visits, CT and other imaging appointments. Within the month, everything was clarified, and the tumor board had its findings. The breast cancer from three years ago had mutated and metastasized, and with a vengeance. Some lymph nodes, the lungs, and the bones, including along the spine, in her left hip, the right femur, and her skull. We had expected that the cancer would eventually come back. We hadn’t expected it to be less than three years. And we certainly hadn’t expected that it would be so far progressed when it was found.
To make a long story short, Claudia was admitted to the hospital due to pneumonia on December 6. At this point, the clear priority was treating the pneumonia, and Claudia had already stopped taking the cancer meds she took daily at home. On Dec. 8, Claudia was released so she could attend an oncologist appointment on Dec. 9. The oncologist insisted she go back to the hospital immediately to get the pneumonia treated, as her physical condition at that point was severe. On Dec. 14, Claudia was moved to the ICU because her condition had worsened beyond what could be treated in the pneumology station. Despite using two of the strongest available board-spectrum antibiotics, they were not making any progress against the pneumonia. On Dec. 16, about 5:15 pm Berlin time, Claudia left this world – first her breathing and then her heart stopped. The doctors and nurses made sure she didn’t suffer during this time. I was there to accompany her on the last day.
The last day, Claudia already knew what was going to happen and spent most of her awake time talking to me about how she wanted things. So we talked in 5-minute increments separated by naps of 20-30 minutes as she regained her strength. She was not going to leave this world with loose ends between us, or any open questions about what she wanted after her death. I was happy to have this last chance, and left her side only briefly for lunch (as she was falling asleep again) and while a friend came to say goodbye. The experience of this last day of her life is much like the rest of her life. She fought chronic migraines and dyslexia, among other things, for her entire life. Most everything she did came with a struggle. Just like always, she showed no sign of backing down, even on her last day.
The number of people responding and contacting me has been a bit overwhelming. It’s great to see what a positive impact she had on so many people. It’s helped me through all of this, too – other people in the world see in her what I see, even if Claudia herself never really fully understood.
Claudia and I met in the 9th grade in “health” class. I was the school nerd. She needed help with algebra, which I had aced in 7th grade (yes, I was that nerdy). Even as recently as August, she told someone I was the only reason she passed algebra. 🙂 We had a few classes together through the end of High School, made a point of sitting next to each other when it was allowed. I went off to California for my freshman year of college, while she stayed and went to a local university. The next summer, we called each other, one thing led to another, and we were dating. Back and forth to college in California. On vacation breaks from school, we spent as much time together as we could without excessively annoying our parents. I proposed in the fall term of our junior year of college. She made it clear she wasn’t dropping out of college or getting married before finishing! (I never asked, and never would have asked her to!) We got married after we’d both graduated from college. (of course)
Her independence and passion for justice, human rights, and (ick) politics was what had me hooked after we started dating. After we married, I enjoyed having a different perspective when we talked about anything. Looking back I think “how boring life would have been had I married an engineer”. “Who needs to come home from work and talk ‘shop’ all the time?”. Several times in the last week or so of her life, I told Claudia that she had taken the rough-cut stone that I was (my mom did a great job raising me and building the framework) and polished me into a respectable gemstone. Polishing requires friction. Given her passion for things, we definitely had our moments of conflict. This is not a complaint, not by a long shot. Remember – her passion is what drew me to her. Claudia turned me into an even better person. Sometimes, I think back to my mom’s principles and what she instilled in me, and I have come to the conclusion that with Claudia’s help, I exceeded even what my mom imagined was possible for me to become. I am definitely much more because of the influence Claudia had on my life.
If you don’t count the separate addresses Claudia had while she was at her various graduate programs, we’ve lived at 13 different addresses in our 30 years. 4 of them in Germany, one in Indiana, the rest in California. We have vacationed in places I never would have dreamed of visiting before meeting Claudia. In fact, I’m pretty sure that if it weren’t for Claudia, I’d likely not have ended up at Tesla working on the development of Model S, Model X, and Model 3. The places we’ve vacationed! Honestly, again, I don’t think I would have done half of these things without her pulling. It’s been a crazy adventure I wouldn’t change for the world.
For our last house in California, we bought a fixer-upper in San Jose waited six and a half months while it was being renovated to move in, turning around and moving to Germany two years later because of the political climate and because I needed to get out of Silicon Valley and that work environment as well. We’d thought for a while about retiring to Europe and traveling. Since we moved too early to retire, Germany was the logical choice because of being so central to Europe, and my being able to easily find a job. Germans ask about why we moved from California (think what California looks like in the movies). When I explain that I was well-paid but had no time left to do anything with that money, they understood this immediately. Work-life balance is something that’s practiced here, not just talked about. When we mentioned the political situation, it was always “how did America go from such a great president to …?”
The German language was no different than the myriad of other challenges Claudia has dealt with over her lifetime. She knew she’d likely never pass the test to get her competence certificate. First, because of her test anxiety. But also because “Deutsch ist eine sehr schwierige Sprache” – German is a very difficult language. Even MOST Germans admit this. The ones that don’t can “leck mich am Arsch”. But it was always stressful for Claudia that her German wasn’t better. She could manage most daily things, and even have conversations with our “front” neighbor who speaks high German but often lapses into Berliner dialect at full speed… When we went to apply for a new ID card for Claudia because she’d lost hers, the clerk at the foreigners’ office actually proposed applying for permanent residency. Claudia commented (in German) that she didn’t have the B1 certificate because of her test anxiety. The clerk simply responded, “Well, we’ve been talking German this whole time, and we understand each other. I’m convinced, and that’s what is important. ” Claudia officially gave up her battle with Germanin September after all the bad news came. I believe the quote is from Mark Twain: “Life is too short to learn German”.
So, what now?
Claudia’s death will leave a mark. No question. I’m still in the early phases of grieving and adjusting. Occasionally, I get the feeling I’m going to walk around a corner in the house and see her there. …and then she’s going to yell at me for throwing away some things (spoiled food, etc.) She insisted – multiple times, and even on her last day – that I be happy, and that I move on. She never did want to feel like she was a burden to anyone. I will wait a while and then decide whether I want to work again – this was already in play before she got sick. I’m sad that we don’t get to spend the free time traveling together.
I did promise I would put the Christmas Tree up every year for her.
I may see what I can do about getting Guardians Down Under finished and published. Guardians was a struggle for her.
I will travel some in her honor and to honor her last wishes.
I started this post on Christmas Eve before having dinner with some neighbors. I’ve only now managed to finish it because the new year has come, and it’s time to deal with the loose ends from last year. and I think I needed the extra time to be ready to finish this.
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